I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
