Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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