Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
