I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
