I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
