I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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