hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
