Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
