WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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