Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
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