the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
