So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
