If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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