I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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