She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
