I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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