Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
