i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
