Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
