What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
