the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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