just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
