pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
