woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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