Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
