i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
