I'd wear matching sweaters with you
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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