WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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