if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
