U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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