I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
