On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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