You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm getting married
To pizza
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
