So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
