Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
