if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
