I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
