did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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