The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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