Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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