My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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