Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
