Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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