Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
