I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
