Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
