You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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