Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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