dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
