u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There are leaves in my underwear?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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