you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
