just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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