It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
