I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
